update: 10/19/09
Today we had the last of three blood tests to see if the IVF had any "results." The real outcome we are looking for: Pregnancy! I realized I was afraid to say that word, to admit the outcome we were looking for. Last Sunday I was so afraid I didn’t want to go to sleep. I imagined the way it felt when they called after the last IVF, and said to stop all meds, call for a follow up appointment in a few weeks. It was not the right choice to dwell on that pain, to imagine in fear the outcome. I prayed for peace, and slept. When we got the first call last Monday the nurse said "Congratulations, your levels are..." And Matt and I tearfully and joyfully got on our knees to thank the Lord for answering our prayers. Then more fear set in. Satan sidled right up beside me and said, "Don't get so excited, we all know what happened before." So I stayed quiet and waited for the 2nd test. The nurse had said we needed the numbers to double. So went for the second test and we waited for the call... and the numbers tripled! He said, "Have you scheduled your ultrasound yet?" Nearly in tears (OK I have wet eyes very often these days and this time I definitely did), I held the call while they picked the date and time to schedule us. Still I was afraid to say I am pregnant. Fear settled in like a winter storm. I stayed home the rest of that day and the day after. Saturday night someone said, "Are you afraid to be excited?" I had to admit I am...or I was.
That night I went home and got in my Bible. Psalm 28 starts out with David being afraid. Then he turns, changes the tone, and chooses to worship our King and place his trust in Him.
Psalm 28:6-9 says, (New International Version)
6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
8 The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.”

Again I felt His peace, and as I prayed I asked forgiveness for trying to take on the concerns that I have no control over.
In Sunday School I found more comfort. Up on the board was the scripture and outline for our study: Psalm 56
When the teacher asked me to read aloud a verse I was mentally underscoring as it leapt out to me in comfort, I almost started to cry.
Psalm 56:10-13 (New American Standard Bible)

10In God, whose word I praise,
In the LORD, whose word I praise,
11In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
12Your vows are binding upon me, O God;
I will render thank offerings to You.
13For You have delivered my soul from death,
Indeed my feet from stumbling,
So that I may walk before God
In the light of the living. “

What I have found in the past 24 hours as I ponder on the living word of God, is that it is my choice to be joyous, to celebrate life, to lift thanksgiving and praise to the Almighty Creator who answered our prayers. In thanksgiving I continue to give Him my life, ask Him to be in charge because there is nothing I want to or think I can possibly control on my own. When we went for the third blood test today I didn’t feel afraid. Matt took my picture, even though it was early and I look a mess with my black eye still lingering on. We are excited and we rejoice in the Lord for each day this lasts!

















Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)
Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 28:6-9 (New International Version)
6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
8 The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.