26th Anniversary

26 years ago yesterday, my brother and I were in a near fatal-car accident. He was not physically injured but I was nearly decapitated and suffered a double head-injury that left me in a coma for the next 4 days (hence, his emotional injury).

Waking, I wasn't the same. Everything changed, in the blink of an eye. No longer could I sequence or think straight or laugh right. Unable to remember the preceding days, months or years, my learning skills and social abilities were not the only changes. Mother said my whole personality had changed.

Without a proper sense of humor, I over compensated, laughing the loudest. Without a proper balance of experience (memories) and common sense, it was like walking on grease. My college-prep-education wasn't the only thing to suffer as friendship circles changed and my sense of trust was altered time after time.

But as the years went by, things I might have taken for granted became precious: Graduating flight school under pressure to perform flawlessly, Friends who loved me in spite of any oddities, my husband who saw straight through all my pretenses (and loved me all the more), the associate degree that I finally saw through to completion last year, the ability to recall clearly things that happened 25 years ago (I only vaguely am aware of most of my pre-1985 memories)... and recently I gained a new appreciation for facebook because someone who 'found' me there has ministered to me in amazing ways from halfway across the world, despite the fact that we lost touch when I moved in 1987.

In memorial someone said my mother had 'difficult children'. As I mulled it over I thought of how I fought to be seen as a victor not a victim, how it was not the children who were difficult but rather the circumstances, and how we each have striven to rise above our struggles. Struggles, which are in effect just a part of life.

As Christians we are targets for difficulties in life. The world, and Satan, are waiting in the wings to challenge us. We can choose joy, or choose to be addicted to being seen as martyrs and victims. When we choose joy, we embrace Psalm 118:24. "THIS is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it(!)"

Last night as I closed my eyes on the day, it didn't occur to me what anniversary it was. Instead, the tears in my eyes and streaming down my cheeks were for my friends who battle their challenges to expand their family, carry a pregnancy or get pregnant or who have lost a pregnancy. I thought of those I know who have children waiting for them in heaven, both born and unborn. I think now of the precious cheerfulness of my friend whose son went home 4 years ago last night after only a few days on earth, as she told me what it was like to hold him.

I recall the day I awoke from an emergency DNC after losing our first pregnancy, and how I hoarsely whispered to someone that I wanted to hold the baby. "There is no baby" they said, walking past. I laid there and cried.

Now I hold two precious sons, and count blessings beyond imagination. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what the Lord had in store for my life over those early years filled with bewilderment and hard lessons! I've said it before and I will say it until I die, I thought I had scraps of rags when I gave my life to Him 5 years ago. Scraps, rags, yet he wove a wonderful tapestry! We think we are giving something up when we hear about Christ and salvation. I mean, we "have" to quit partying, stop swearing, start going to church- where is the fun in that? That is the way Satan plays it. But when we come to Christ, truly come to Him for a personal relationship, we find satisfaction and joy and strength. We see Him pave the way where we thought there was none, we find we are at peace where we had misery. We discover trust and wholeness when we were broken and ashamed and lost. "Oh, I'm not lost" we argue, as Satan holds out the shiny apple to taste. But we are all sinners, and all in need of a Savior. No one is right and good enough in their own standing. When we think we are, we fool ourselves.

I used to despise the fact that my life was saved that day in 1985- I hated that I was different from my peers and 'sheltered' by my parents. But what I didn't know was that I would have been a walking dead person any ways- until I surrendered to Christ. Since that day, the shackles that once bound me in confusion and self-doubt and insecurity fell away. My father Loves Me! While we were yet sinners, He sent his son to die for me! (and You!) (Romans 5:8)

Samuel & Oliver are truly wonderful aspects of my life. Matt is a blessing I try not to take for granted one fraction of a day! And all of this would not have happened had Christ not saved me from my selfishness and self doubt. What a wonderful reflection to look back on what He has done.